| Alchemics |
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Visit NaBloPoMo
May do a couple months, will see...
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| The Big 'C'
13 December - and so it is, and so it goes
My father's biopsies confirm cancer. Extent of cancer not yet revealed - 4 of the 7 biopsies were cancerous. Hopefully it's contained to the prostate. Hopefully it hasn't spread. He'll know next week. Surgery is likely. Radiation is dreaded.
I don't know what this all means for him as a transplant recipient on a drug cocktail to stay alive.
Keeping mindful and positive that this all will go smoothly in the months coming.
Any men reading this post, get your ass to the doctor and get your prostate checked. No excuses...
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| Snow Days
9 December - oh the weather outside is frightful, my attitude is not delightful...
Bone weary.
Overworked.
Ineptitudes deliver frustrations and ire.
Corporate politics are taxing my patience and fortitude.
The slush and snow are just pissing me off.
My tenth year in operations has me despising the month of December.
Gonna book some vacation time.
Regroup and reflect.
Restore my equilibrium.
Stewing about my father... it would appear he has prostate cancer - to be confirmed.
I'm trying to keep up with life and yet it seems to be passing me by.
I'd like to hibernate awhile, away from all of it.
Ever been so tired, it hurt to even think?
Yeah. Me, too...
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|  Deck with Balls
7 December - falafrickinla...
Attempting to buy into the seasonal mood. Not being terribly successful in drumming up that warm and fuzzy feeling of good tidings and cheer. And all things wondrous. I feel pressured to come up with perfect gifts and scrumptuous sweets and lots of cheer, and I'm not getting it. On top of that, work is burying me alive.
Since I lost my faith, Christmas... it's not been the same. The religious pageantry no longer mesmerizes and the commercial consumption really makes me ill. I feel for my kids; they don't have the pomp and circumstance of midnight manger church services and a boatload of holiday cooking and treats in our household. I don't have any localized tradition here at our home - we have always spent Christmas at my parents, and will again this year. I truly wish I did not have to work fulltime, particularly at this time of year. When I was home fulltime, Christmas was an event. Not so since I joined operations... is one of the things I lost when I signed on to this gig. This season hasn't meant much at all this past eight years, except sheer exhaustion and frustration.
And that is something else to add to the list of reasons to carve a new identity, path, and life. But I digress. I've lost the sense of community I had when I was part of a fellowship, and truly bought into the Christmas gospel. It was the best time of year to be in a church fellowship. The high holidays were the magical seasons. I loved Christmas best. Could move me to tears of joy, even. I sometimes miss the Carrie that was, back then. She had something to believe in.
Now, I am trying to carve a new perspective around this holiday season. A reflection of gratitude for family and friends, for the bounty that is in my life, for health. A quiet intake of things good.
I don't know where this small riff of writing is going. I can't formulate my heart with straight sentences. Likely because I'm stewing about the next two days. Tomorrow is a very early start and I'm not the least bit sleepy. I shall have to pick up this musing later, I guess. Still. To rest then to marathon. And it is.
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| Restless
4 December - frenetic heart and mind
I want to feel passion. Right down to the marrow, racing full speed through the synapses. I want to be reverberant. Resonant. With meaning...
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| In Search of Felicity
3 December - happiness is where we find it, rarely where we seek it
Great opportunities come to all, but many do not know they have met them. The only preparation to take advantage of them is simple fidelity to watch what each day brings.
~ Albert E. Dunning
Small kindnesses given, small gratitudes received these past two days. No earth shattering notions or dramas like Tuesday. And that's quite okay by me.
I have lots to say, and nothing at all. I am. I be. That's all.
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True
Lifetime
