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|  15 of 30
15 November - halfway mark, nothing earth shattering found yet...
"If you are going to give up the self you have known yourself to be, it is imperative that you leave your history behind."
~ Debbie Ford
debt-free living and comfort a beautiful home on waterfront understood and respected writing with renown catalyst for others empowered living full sensual expression in partnership taking what is and making it better a meaningful living/career a place in community clarity of thought and expression fully intuitive a soulmate a clear sense of purpose courage to make a difference spiritual depth intellectual precision emotional freedom artistic expression more laughter more loving more living wisdom patience honour crystalline clarity compassion to be mentored in things of soul and spirit to in turn mentor others likewise to teach to coach attain a higher conscious awareness and expression to learn
Strongest inner longing: my inner desires all run pretty deep, I feel them all strongly - I guess that which might best be held deepest is that of securing a clear sense of purpose... I wish to find meaning and focus that is resolute and beneficial for not only myself but beyond me - all of the other internal desires will cascade from this, no doubt
Strongest outer longing: the house, absolutely... it is my biggest external desire - to have a body of water within steps of my abode would be a small slice of heaven... I long to see this realized in my life
Why do I want these things? Because they are the longings of my soul. I feel these things in my every fibre of being. Water, it has always calmed and centred me; I find solace at its shorelines. Always have. It feels very much like a part of my biologic makeup, like its an ancestral pull. And westward views in particular. Maybe something in my celtic blood? Who knows... I do know that I experience a sense of peace and calm and rejuvenation whenever I find my way to a shoreline. I can't explain it. Water is an essential element for me, and not just for body's sustainment. It does something to me, in mind and spirit as well. To have a home on a shoreline, where I can watch the sun set over the waters would be a joy unmatched. I would have my long-sought sanctuary, and that can only be good.
As for clarity of purpose, most of us want that. We want to know that who we are and what we give forth to the world is going to make a positive difference, whether it be on a small or large scale. We want to know we are connected to the greater whole and that our connection is essential and meaningful; we wish to belong. I desire a clear sense of purpose (and manifestation of said same) that I do not squander this life I've been given. I want to take a stand and make a mark, and I want it to be to the betterment of self and community, and even of world. In kind and kindness. Everything else I long for, I know, will flow from that when it has been realised and enacted.
Heady and ambiguous outlines? Maybe. I am only now learning to determine a razor-sharp focus of those things desired. I know the 'what' of my desires. I am beginning to clear the way, and contribute towards, the hows they will transpire...
and life is as it does. A toast to the adventure about to be loosed. Cheers.
Anybody else having issues with the photo upload? I've had the "error 503" message for three days now. Today was the first day I actually wanted to upload photos but cannot. Is this a site-wide issue or just me? Will have to drop the xangagods an email of complaint...
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| 14 of 30
14 November - Someday's anguish turned Saturday's fuel
"Poetry is nearer to vital truth than history."
~ Plato
Senyru
internal chambers
echo with emptiness and
night turns into day
shades of grey disperse
if only for a moment
with thoughts of ago
saturdays are cloaked
with resonant longings
and wishful wantings
skin's surface is hot
heart's surface is frozen still
with knowing regret
the dance of desire
has slowed down to a crawl and
the cadence is lost
Freebase
i have this image
recurring in dreams and fantasies
of a smoky blue haze
bathing me
as i sit and look westward
i am simply sitting
and looking
lost in thought
unawares of time and place
just being
it is night
there are stars
many of them shimmering
watching me watch
the nothing that is front of me
the everything i cannot seem to see
and i sit
and wait
for all i am yet unaware
that is to come
i seem content at least
not striving or fretting
just being
and then
as i sit and watch westward
he comes up behind me and
envelops me gently
molding himself
to the form of my being
in comfort and support
as we sit and look westward
and i know his presence
was always there behind me
just now connected to me
in content
and it is
and it is
There is so much I wish to learn and know. And experience. And most of all, to understand.
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| 13 of 30
13 November - dinner out, should be dancin', won't be, alas
Time stamping for now - this is a bit of a cheat but I'm pressed for time and can't properly write post right now. Will do when I'm home. Internal clock is all screwed up from doing a 26-hour marathon at work - I should be a *fabulous* conversationalist tonight. Heh.
I shall write to self later...
Later (it's after midnight, so no updating the timestamp):
Out for dinner this evening with a group of friends. We went to an out-of-the-way eatery located in a small town of about 200 people. Great food. My back actually didn't bother me as much as I'd feared it would. Had a hard wooden chair with a straight back so I was actually pretty comfortable so long as I didn't shift/move around in the chair much.
It was a relaxed, mellow, evening - quite enjoyable. The singer (the place has live entertainment) was actually one of the members of a dining group I belong to and he's great. Very good singer/guitar player, so that was nice. When he was on break from enetertaining, I was lamenting my back pain and one of the gals mentioned I should seek out a massage therapist to see if that would help. The singer offered to give me a back massage (right there at the table!) and some of the group members set up a chair - I figured 'what the hell, couldn't hurt' and took him up on the offer.
He's a personal support worker by day, working with the dying, and let me tell you... it was an awesome massage. My back actually loosened up. We got talking -- as would happen when one submits herself to a massage by a virtual singing stranger in the middle of a backwoods pub-eatery on a mid-November evening -- and I found out that he and I actually have a good many things in common. He used to be a minister in the Missionary church and has left the ministry - and the church, institution and faith. We talked a little about this and decided it was worth a coffee chat another time (not everyone can handle conversations on "religion" in a bigger group, nor appreciates it) but we did talk a little about our individual experiences.
It was pretty weird to go into 'church speak' and actually have somebody else understand precisely what I was referring to or saying. It's been a dozen years since I've been involved with *anything* church-related. Funny, he told me he's become an agnostic soul since those days. No longer certain about what is, only that there is some element of spiritual undertone to life. I feel exactly the same way. That's a whole writeout of its own, my departure from the institution of faith. It's not been something I've talked to many people about in life, or shared fully what my personal experience was as it's not something many folks could relate to. Having briefly chatted with him, I know he'll get it without explanation, so maybe I've found a fellow sojourner to talk about all of that stuff with. Like my job/company, only another who lived inside of that world would get it. I look forward to the chat. I've no doubt it'll be interesting, and enlightening.
And then there's my back. This office chair of mine isn't aiding comfort. Time to step away from the machine and get myself supine somewhere...
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| 12 of 30
12 November - glorious day, and I've thrown my back out
"Life happens at the rate of acceptance."
~ Unknown
So, yeah. This will be an expensive day and it's all about the preventative maintenance. First the semi-annual checkup for my car and then the chilluns to the dentist. Several hundred dollars later and I'll be eating soda crackers and milk for the next two weeks. Ugh.
I had the shop quote me on snow tires for my vehicular transport. They want - get this - $1,600. One thousand six hundred dollars. SIXTEEN HUNDRED. Guess what? I'm sticking with my all-season radials, thank you. (Reading that number makes me want to swear like a sailor.)
I'll do well to get out of the semi-annual checkup under $300 for the routine shit. Life as a commuter. It's a suck-it-up-princess kind of moment, yo.
The dental visit better had be straightforward cleaning and polishing (which is $150 a pop as it is) and nothing else. No crowns, no root canals, no fillings. Gotta love the timing of this stuff... six weeks before Christmas.
*sigh*
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I've thrown my back out. I don't know how. Every once in awhile this happens to me. I have sharp, shooting pain whenever I move certain ways or get up from sitting, etc. Muscle spasms extraordinaire... gotta hold my breath to change positions or stand up or sit down.
It's really irritating.
I hurt.
Should probably do something about this, I suppose. Who has time?
***********************
Wow. Talk about profound output today.
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| 11 of 30
11 November - a day to remember
"There is no coming to consciousness without pain."
~ Carl Jung
... my thoughts move like wisps of smoke thick and fast at first then dissipating without catch as they rise to the surface from the deep bellows of memories and imaginations that live in a constant churn and bubble and I find myself unawares of some of the threads lifting and floating to the surface until I sense their disturbance physically and I stop to ponder what is wending and weaving about... I find I spend an inordinate amount of time - still - thinking of him and wondering of him and imagining what and how and why and where and when I realise what it is I am doing I even out loud say 'stop, enough' because I know it is moot and without merit and now meaningless even in all its meaning and magnified memory and...
I stop and wonder why and I think myself into circles perfect circles... and they take me deeper down to darker domains where sometimes I am washed over and lost to those depths and I remain unreachable even as I smile on the surface - potential suitors circle my perimeter and I shun them... it is a death that I must first face and accept and I must bury that past and walk away and forget as I've been forgotten and... I can only find the new when the old no longer holds me tight in death-knell clutches and I wonder if I will ever break free if he will ever be out from under my skin...
... I feel hollow and incomplete and inbetween - like being caught at sea in the middle of nowhere with home port no longer visible and destination undetermined unclear unknown - and while I long to take root I sense only wild seas-roaming is on roster for yet another season or several and I shall remain cast adrift and aimless for a time to come yet... it is a strange sense of awareness in unawareness known and not and I have come to place of battle weary resignation so I may seek sustenance of soul... I do not wish to remain unawares and at the mercy of the winds of change...
... purporse purpose purpose what is the purpose of it all what shall it deliver to me or deliver me from what can I be thankful for - that my heart did not get what it wanted - that I cannot yet see and understand and what is it I am being preserved for and propelled to and when will such things and places and beings intersect with me fully wholly in wish and want and will...
... intersections yes and are they all not simply crossroads of choice where one considers which way she will travel in life and do not all roads eventually lead back to the beginning - eventually - and if I choose this way what would have been that way and if I backtrack... can I even do so...
... sift and sort and shed to sustain - of overrule - is what life at midpoint seems to bellow back to me at core... move to the spartan way in thought and feeling and I see the wisdom in holding things lightly and living in slow pursuit of matters of the heart...
... life is as it does and it always has been and it always will be and I am but a fragment a sliver a wisp...
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True
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